Sweet Nothings.

It’s not a box of chocolates,

or a bouquet of flowers.

It’s not an exquisite placemat,

with meals served on high towers.

It’s not a ride home on shiny four wheels, with no backseat covers.

Because it’s never all that.

There are tunes I wish I could sing,

There are great dictions I wish I could link.

There are words of admiration I wish could go without saying.

Because it’s always this..

It’s the way you put me first,

and finish my sentences.

It’s how you inhale my imperfections,

and escort me to my best condition.

It’s how the atoms in our bodies syncs, and revive to form a solid foundation.

It’s how we always get each other,

Through our limitations.

It’s how we chose to stick together,

Though we fumbled with our miscommunications.

It’s how we always try to gather the pieces,

and glued them back with conviction.

If finding, being and growing with you is not a blessing, then I don’t know what that is.

Because to love a person is never an easy decision,

Never been my second nature.

But through the road i’ve traveled, my story brought me to you.

You are my favorite. Still my favorite. My all time favorite.

Never had i doubt that I will love you for a long long time.

Xx

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Unplanned

One of the hardest thing to deal with is when something you’ve fantasized or secretly wished had come true–on a bad timing.
I mean, well yeah i thank god for making it came true but the timing have got me questioning on what exactly i should do with this granted wish. Should i just be happy and cherish this temporary moment?should i just pretend like this is not happening? Or maybe .. Is this a false alarm?

There have been some kind of a spring and summer-like season inside of this chilly & frozen chest, if you’re curios. It left me floating like a sweet scoop of vanilla ice cream, it left me wanting to re-watch my favorite drama scene. It’s surreal, but it is not supposed to happen now.

“Can’t remember the last time we’re here,”

Oh boy, of course i do remember. The last time we’re here, we ordered milkshake that cost only $5. You paid our dinner, cause you finally got your first part time job. You wore our college hoodie just because you were so proud of your achievement.

I remembered how you promised yourself to start saving up for your dream Maldives vacation.

“6 years ago, our first year of college”, but that’s the only thing that i could say.

“Holy!! What? Six years?? It can’t be that long? Time flies!”, his brown eyes lit up whenever he’s surprised and so as his ear that turned pink.

“You always got lost in the track of time, i bet you can’t even remember birthdays”

“Hey that’s an exception!”

“Oh really?”

“How could i not remember birthdays? I sent you e-cards every time!”

“Goes straight to my Spam folder”

“Naaah! Course not! I know you..”

“What?”, i snapped.

“What do you mean what?”

“You said you know me”

“Oh don’t start me on that..”

 How i wished i could read his mind in between the blink of his eyes as he stares at me. What are his wish, was it the same as mine? Does he also have this summery-spring-like season inside of his chest? 

Nine years ago, we held hands for the first time. Nine years ago was our very first of everything. We watch closely how each other grow, how our surroundings shaped us who we are now, how our dreams differ from each other but practically made up by the same particles. 

Six years ago, he decided to find his own spotlight. Just like a typical twenty something, he caught up with his mundane life and wanted to find another dream, another exciting new things. I let him be, but he didn’t let me. 

Because it was six years ago, when i left the scoop of vanilla ice cream melted on top of my strawberry milkshake. I remembered how he held my hands throughout the conversation, and i was there crying my heart out every time he said sorry.

The memory crushed me whenever it passes by. It shattered on my mind like a piece of broken glass, which left a permanent frozen-winter season throughout the year. And I long for his warmth eversince, though i knew he has shared his warmth with those list of names that came through right after me. I secretly wished he’ll change his mind, go back to the very first name on the list and come home.

My knees weakened as he slowly grab my hands and pulled it closer to the front of his lips. I tried to pull back cause i still finds it’s too soon.

“Hey, I know this might be too late–”

“Oh please not again..”

“No please, listen..”

A bad timing is nobody’s favorite. But sometimes it’s God’s way to help you out and teach you private lessons in life. 

“I know we’ve closed the book already. But we never grow apart. I still care–”

“Stop..i don’t want to hear it for the second time”

“No.. No please dont take this the wrong way, this is the best way for us.. You know–”

“There’s nothing between us anymore. We’re best friends, and you shouldn’t ask for my blessings for anything you’ve chosen in life”

He let go of his grip and leaned on his seat, whilst exhaling a deep breath.

“Well then. Case closed. I’ve been wanting to meet you, Al. It’s been ages since we shared everything together. But well, timing’s a bitch–”

“I’ve had my fair share of take care and goodbyes. Enough is enough”, 

He stares at me as my words stabbed him right on the target. I wasn’t supposed to say those words, but the heart speak itself and i did not regret it.

“Right. I get your point. Alright, i’ll drop the ball then–”

“Don’t worry. Of course i’ll be there. Sunday. The 19th?”

“Wait what? How did you know..”

“Your mom. My mom. The news been buzzin’ in the speed of light”

One of the hardest thing to deal with is actually being secretly in love with your best friend. Additionally, in a bad timing. Well, always in a bad timing.

I have wished someday i met him again at our favorite place. 

I have wished someday, we can connect with each other again.

Though we are here together now, i never wished this will be last time. And closing the book, again.

“Anyway, congrats for making your way off the market!”, 

And that, marked as the hardest thing to say when you’re secretly in love with your best friend.

Flexing the writing muscles

Disclaimer : this post will be about me blabbering things that i’ve been wanting to write and share, so if it’s not float your boat, discontinue reading is strictly allowed.

Well hello!

What a time to be alive! What a time to be back here, sharing my thoughts aloud through words. It’s the weekend, but still– I have something to get done with by Monday (obviously) but the impulse to write is overwhelming. So, guess I’ll just pretend to forget what i have to submit on Monday :p

I currently have a day job that took most of my 5-days-a-week, 9 to 5 time, including my spare time to continue writing where i left off and to read. I’ve been adapting to my new routine, but i think it’ll take a while until I am able to get back on my own two feet and get used to all this. I desperately need an alone time to write.

I sometimes wonder how many writers out there, able to keep writing (and produce something awesome) while having a day job. J.K Rowling able to continue write Harry Potter on her lunchtime, Rainbow Rowell able to write her novels while she’s working as a journalist — she can even finished her books by joining NaNoWriMo. I believe, great writers are like that. Aren’t they awesome.

When i’m too busy to write, all i can think about is writing. All i want to do is run away to my stories, and live there for a moment. Writing a story is like a pocket of imagination that i can carry everywhere, even when i don’t have the time to get back at it and continue writing straight away.

If you ask me about what i want to be in 5 years time,

I still going to answer, An author whose books are in the top of “Bestseller” shelf.

The sky’s the limit, my dear.

Drop me a comment if you feel the same way about finding time to write on a tight day to day schedule, or if you have any advice on how to tackle them! I would love to hear it.

Until then,

Smell ya later!

-Belle-

LiLo and The Great Wings

 

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I am the tiniest and littlest one in my pack. Mother said my full name is Cloe, but my siblings added ‘Lil’ before my name, cause they said I am not the only ‘littlest’ one out there. Instead of calling me Lil-Cloe, they preferred LiLo better. I’d say, “whatever bakes your cake!”

I’m in love with the place where I live in. It’s an impeccable endless space where I could pamper my eyes with the magnificent view of seascape from above. It made me realize that I am not so small after all.

My pack and I traveled a lot, most days we band together to create a thick formation, other days we went our separate ways. I cherished every passing moments with my pack. Especially the moment when we had to stop and greet the other passerby. They called them The Jetty, I call them The Great Wings.

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“I can’t find her”

“Who?”

“My twin..”

“So you’ve lost her?”

“I’m not sure. She was there with him 5 days ago”

“Was she okay?”

“She looked a bit worn out. part of her body are covered with bandages. but she said she’s okay. I am worried”

“Why is that?”

“Cause she’s been hanging there for quite sometime. Her grip wasn’t as strong as before. She won’t let go. She’s been holding on to her faith all along”

“So you’re saying –?”

“I’m not sure she would find her way back home to me in a quick manner. I bet she couldn’t even walk properly. She’s a part of me, and that part of me has been stolen by a man who’ve promised her with his forever”

“I am sorry to hear that”

“It’s been so cold out here, everything turned frozen and tasted bitter”

“What if she never came back?”

“I’ll pray for her. I’ll pray for her wellbeing. She’s a tough cookie indeed, one of a million. She’ll leave traces of her in his soul. Leaving marks that would never smudge..”

“… And i hope, one day she’ll find her way back home. Completes me, completes this soul”

“I wish you well!”

“Thanks. I will embrace the time that we spend together before another man in his armor suit got to steal her again with the same old promises of forever”

On seeing the world and making wise decisions

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“All you gotta do is just to study hard, get to that prestigious college, get a good GPA. once you’ve graduated, aim for that one A-Class company so that you’ll get a good starting salary, run up the ladder fast, and you will be fine”

“Just marry the love of your life, then you’ll live happily ever after”

Sounds familiar?

I gotta say, it’s crazy how we cultivated our thinking based on these way of thinking. Just because those sayings were passed on to us like rituals. Everybody said that, even most of our parents said that too. We can’t deny that even though we have that tiny bit of doubts inside of us towards that way of thinking ,or some people might say — the words of wisdom,  yet we do nothing about it. We unconsciously cultivate in those sayings and made decisions to our future based on that as well. We employ these kind of thinking like the “Pavlovian” way in which we are conditioned to do what we had to do in order to gain rewards and avoid punishment.

Honestly, i am one of those people who have bulbs of doubts the moment those words passed on to me. Because the way i see it, it is not entirely proven as true. There are people who succeed and there are also people who failed miserably. There are people who able to extend their wings and there are people who tied up tightly in a box. I still believed that that way of thinking is not for everyone. I thought if I cultivate my decision in life based on that way of thinking, I will be like one of those people who lived inside of a box, immobile, and afraid of the ever changing world that i live in.

I came across a book that made me contemplate a lot these past weeks. The book itself called “The Path” by Professor Michael Puett and Christine Gross-Loh. It’s not a self-help book that have cliches words of wisdom or what not. It’s a philosophical book that encourage you to have a new way to think about everything. I was hooked by it’s first pages. I’m not a philosophy enthusiast, but the more i read it, the more i can relate it to what i have learned and what i have experienced.

Based on Confucius and other chinese philosophers teachings, i can relate his wisdoms to what i’ve learned about the mind, that you might have also read in my previous posts. Everything i read is added up and it made me understand better.Because what i’ve read so far is so interesting for people to know, i wanted to share some of it (based on my understanding, of course) here. I hope this will inspire you as much it have inspired me.

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Becoming a positive being

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Since most of you have given me a positive feedback (so far) in my previous post, I would like to express my sincere gratitude to all of you readers who have spent your precious time to read, reposted, commented and liked it. I’ve always love to share things I’ve learned in which I found very interesting and beneficial for people to know.

Now that you know how contagious your mind can be, you might be thinking how to keep those positivity flow freely in your bloodstream. I know, most of you will think it’s impossible to ALWAYS think positive and stay positive, but should you know that by thinking that way, you’re actually infusing the negative thoughts into your subconscious. Tricky huh? Allow me to share what I’ve learned in another workshop session I attended which I think it is a very worthy to share and important for you to know.

We can’t deny the fact that our life is moving like a high-speed rollercoaster. Sometimes we feel we’re up in the air, defying gravity, as if nothing can bring us down. Sometimes we feel an abrupt turn, twist and downward motions speeded up as if it will never come to a full stop. I can guarantee you that this happens to everyone. All of us went through this. Some sooner, some later. Then why some people seemed to be very happy and bubbly all the time? Keep reading.

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Getting to know your thoughts

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“You can be anything you want to be, If you put your mind in to it”

“The mind is everything. What you think, you become”

You might have came across motivational quotes more than once in your life. Let’s just be honest, sometimes we came across them accidentally through different medium. Sometimes it came through our social media feeds and mostly followed by moments like “this speaks to me perfectly” or “Thank god someone actually said it!”. Sometimes it came through our friend, our favourite movie, songs and etc.

I used to think that motivational quotes, words of wisdom or mostly those that motivates you to achieve something and reaching your goals, is full of bullshit. I used to think that those are just sayings that we approve as true when we are in need. Or more likely, words that confirmed our thoughts. Sometimes we forget about it when all we need is reality that is presented right in our face. It then all came down to a point where we feel helpless. As if nobody understands what we actually feel. However, I’ve learned that the doubts I have about words of wisdom were not necessarily true.

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Overlooked

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It’s so funny watching her hustling around the room with her face flushed red, eyes widened, and her breath shook as anxiety swirled around her.

Funny how just seconds ago, she was hanging out with me comfortably on the couch, watching her favourite show. Though I can’t really tell whether her mind was with me or the TV.

I was amazed by her ability to shift her attention in a split second, even though her eyes have been gazing the same thing : moving images on screen. However, I never thought the screeching noise from burning kettle at the kitchen distracted her by getting on her two feet.

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Presence

  

Sally is a little runner. She’s only four, but our six years difference means nothing when we play together.

When she does it, her little feet echoed through the walls in our house. Doesn’t matter what time of day, she always asked me to run around the house with her.

I often tag along, just to be with her. However it’s quite peculiar that unlike most four years old, she hates playing hide and seek.

She said she’s no good at it. Because eversince that time she tried to hide, she had never been found.